It goes boom diddy boom diddy boom diddy boom diddy boom diddy boom diddy boom boom boom!

My heart is racing, I know this not because I'm struggling to climb yet another uphill stretch of road on my bicycle, but because my fancy new heart rate monitor is telling me so. It also tells me this particular hill is being climbed at a rate of 14 metres per minute and when I get to the top the inbuilt altimeter will tell me how high it is.

What was once a vague science involving judging the feeling in one's legs, measuring the difficulty of a cycle ride has become an exercise in analysing and interpreting the statistics provided by the vast array of data given by the increasingly prevalent heart rate monitors and the now standard presence of bike computers. My country rides used to simply involve looking at the scenery and worrying if I'd locked the front door on my way out.

The ante was upped with the addition of a bike computer and I found myself spending a lot of the ride watching the odometer creep agonisingly slowly upwards whilst simultaneously battling to keep the average speed up. There are even little arrows to tell you if you are above or below your current average, a tiny little icon that makes a big comment on your progress:

Arrow pointing down? You’re below your average speed. The computer is really saying you are slow, lazy and getting even slower and lazier as you go (an opinion recently countered by the heart rate monitor going through the roof as you puff away to drive the pistons).

Arrow pointing up? You’re above the ride’s average speed. You know it's only temporary right? You'll crack soon enough.

Now the latest gizmo to join the arsenal of technological warfare on my handlebars is my Suunto Heart Rate Monitor Watch, incorporating many other useful features like compass, barometer and altimeter amongst others. I can now fight back against my bike computer's measly stats (albeit stats provided by my legs) in a kind of high tech top trumps game.

Average speed of a pathetic10 miles per hour? Maybe so but my average heart rate was an encouraging 150bpm.

Distance covered a measly 20 miles? Yes but during that time I climbed an aggregate of 800m up horrible hills (curiously enough no one mentions the 800m of freewheeling descents that must entail)

So these days after a ride there is so much information judging my efforts that I can pick and choose whichever ones are the most encouraging and reward myself with a large glass of wine however I do. And if all else fails I can fall back on the fact that none of these gadgets take into account the awful state of the bumpy Irish roads that surely suck up so much energy it’s like riding with the anchor thrown out the back.. Plus I'm sure the wind was in my face for the duration of the whole ride anyway. Now where did I put that glass of wine?

Austria Oh Cast and Crew

This article was written by Go Bananas for the blog http://austriaoh.tumblr.com/ and is published here to spread the gospel according to Austrian Ski holidays far and wide. For a small trailer of their efforts scroll to the bottom of Go Bananas.

 

Name: Irmgard

Nickname: The Irminator

Style: 'Very very purty,' according to some guy in Colorado 15 years ago.

Trademark move: Chasing after and passing any man who dares overtake her

Alm Favourites: This one has a definite sweet tooth, what else to have with that 14^th coffee of the day than a Gamknodel?

Other Info: A co-founder of the Austria Oh movement, the Irminator had a dream and realised that dream by upping sticks from non-snowy England and building a mountain retreat in Austria in 2002. Then proceeded to educate devotees of the Oh cult from far and wide, Ireland, UK, Essex. Famously took one Australian visitor to a nude spa in a bid to get rid of him as he’d become institutionalised into the cult. In her own words, “the most dedicated parent in the world, who with infinite patience and no expense spared, ensured that Warren Bro#1 and Warren Bro#2 are the experts in the snow that they are.” Amen to that.

If she was a biscuit: A Manner Wafer; proud of her roots, resolutely not British and often found as the welcome companion to other mountaineers and snow sports enthusiasts across the Alps.

Name: Larry

Nickname: Larry

Style: Has worked hard on this over the last forty years, developing from hapless broken windmill to slightly more in control hapless broken windmill. Still manages to keep up though.

Trademark move: Struggles to shed the image developed in famous Rauris incident of many moons ago, the startled launch over a hidden kicker followed by the jettison of all equipment around the area and subsequent face plant. That ski pole is still up there somewhere.

Alm favourites: Spartan like discipline keeps this guy's diet simple and healthy. No sugar and no fatty products. Does then struggle to find anything on the menu to match these needs though.

Other Info: Nominally the co-founder of the Austria Oh movement but in practical terms more of a resident caretaker. Keeps the ship running smoothly year round by shovelling the driveway, washing the Oh-mobile, making the coffee twenty times a day and cursing Germans. Also extremely possessive of his self-designated parking spot in Dienten and should any foreigners park in it he will drive right up behind them and stare at them until they move, despite the rest of the car park being empty. Still can't believe he lives in Austria..... even after 9 years... begs the question where does he think he's living?

If he was a biscuit: Curly Wurly. The whirly pattern mimics the trails left in the snow by his wandering skis and independently minded legs. Like his jokes, the novelty value of the Curly Wurly wears off after a few repeats, leaving you to chew longer than you thought on a nougaty punch line.

Name: Nick

Nickname: Chamonix, Nickers, Bic

Style: Elegant carver who makes skiing fast look good

Trademark move: Double ejection face plant in the deep stuff

Alm favourites: Austrian mountain man at heart, often opts for classic sausage in soup, usually accompanied by a hunk of bread

Other info: Son #1 from the Warren family stable of skiers, paved the way in Canada and New Zealand. Often overshadowed by his more talented younger brother but would never admit it.

If he was a biscuit: Traditional ship's biscuit. Tough as nails and would survive up an Austrian Alp for months. Doesn't go soggy at the first sight of a blizzard.

 

Name: Grainne

Nickname: McGnarly

Style: Teeth gritted, dead set eyes, skis pointed firmly down the hill. This one overcomes her fears and conquers all.

Trademark move: Bouncing through the bumps in relentless pursuit of that elusive big air

Alm favourites: Same as every other food outlet in the world, lasagne all the way

Other info: Late shift in life from boarding to skiing has led to dramatic results, black runs mastered, smile fixed firmly on face and knuckles now not dragging on floor. A hot prospect on the apres ski scrabble scene.

If she was a biscuit: Jaffa Cake, quivering jelly on the inside but hides it behind a face often smothered in chocolate.

Name: Mark

Nickname: The Only Way is... Essex

Style: Tends to go sideways, feet planted roughly one foot apart, sticks to this formula like a limpet to a fishing trawler

Trademark move: Hovering behind Chamonix taking the piss out of him and trying to wind him up, usually succeeding.

Alm favourites: Like his attitude on the mountain, this guy will try anything and do it with a big smile.

Other info: Original member of the Whistler 99 crew he made Night Auditing sexy in the process. Has campaigned relentlessly against Stansted Airport development, usually through the unconventional medium of flying out of there year after year to go skiing.

If he was a biscuit: Hobnob. Is called Hobson, has a nob. Tasty.

Name: Katie

Nickname: The Garv

Style: Like the All Blacks, fast, furious and classy. Unlike the All Blacks holds her nerve when the going gets tough.

Trademark move:  Switch Rodeo 720

Alm favourites: Cooks better than most Alm chefs themselves, sweet or savoury she’s a true Austrian Fraulein

Other info: Spent the last season developing the new prototype of the next generation of skiers. Project Angus is well under way and with a bit of mentoring from the rest of the Austria Oh Crew his future looks bright. If Universal Soldier was about skiing, Angus would be Jean Claude Van Damne.

If she was a biscuit: TimTam, both celebrated exports from down under and after adding tea go gooey in the middle.

Name: Mike

Nickname: MickeyDogg

Style: This guy has it all, as comfy switching it up or pumping the knees in the bumps, versatility is his middle name.

Trademark move: Standing at the bottom of the piste looking back up the hill and waiting for the rest to catch up.

Alm favourites: A real Austrophile, loves anything most of the tourists can’t pronounce, Schnitzel, Krapfen, Kaspressknodelsuppe, ghoulasch, gamknodel. Does struggle to spell them though.

Other info: Warren bro #2 has forged his own way across the snow world, picking up a trophy Elf/Orc/Human whilst whizzing down the slopes in Middle Earth. Like fush and chups  Warren #1 and Warren#2 are pretty tasty on their own, but form an unbeatable combination when put together.

If he was a biscuit: Viscount, the King of biscuits. Oozing class this biscuit carries an air of sophistication with him wherever he goes, often found next to a steaming mug of lovely coffee.

Name: Jamie

Nickname: T-bone

Style: Never likes to steer his board anywhere his face hasn’t already been first, deep snow, trees or icy patches, his face acts like an insect’s feelers.

Trademark move: Has spent the last 5 Austria Oh outings pioneering his ‘two handed getting up after crashing’ move.

Alm favourites: Unlike a German vegetarian, T-bone doesn’t fear the Wurst!

Other info: As a rock and roll superstar this guy goes uses the goggles and ski mask as a disguise to escape the fans. Settled on boarding holidays after he tried a similar technique on a disastrous trip to Belfast.

If he were a biscuit: Wagon Wheel. The wrapping on the outside keeps all the insides in place after being thrown about the mountain. If you set him rolling at the top of a black run, prepare to see him go all the way to the bottom.

Name: Phil

Nickname: Gilleski?

Style: Skis perpendicular to the slope, this man knows only one way down

Trademark move: Hard to tell, usually a blur of flailing arms whistling past you followed by a loud noise and all too often a broken bone, either yours or perhaps someone's child.

Alm favourites: Doesn't eat, prefers to spend his time at the alms trying to smash nails into blocks of wood with the wrong end of a hammer, usually unsuccessfully.

Other info: Managed to escape NZ after assaulting the mountain manager's son with the 180cm weapons attached to his boots. The only member of the Austria Oh Collective to have imparted his knowledge to both Warren Brothers during consecutive seasons in Queenstown.

If he was a biscuit: Has to be a Kitkat, the biscuit perfectly recreating the regular position of his skis, always pointing straight down. Unfortunately, like a KitKat they are often violently separated.

Name: Patchy

Nickname: Patchy Baby. A nicknamed gained after Donnie the Scot had a weird dream and started murmering, 'Ooh Patchy Baby' in his sleep.

Style: A boarder this guy is often found with one foot out of the bindings and clawing himself along an uphill bit, happily cursing himself for following a skier down a dead end.

Trademark move: Has to be the high speed launch of a kicker immediately followed by the arse first landing, never the board first, always the arse.

Alm Favourites: Open to suggestion and eager with the language, translate 'toe-cheese sandwich' into German and he'll unknowingly ask for it.

Other info: Learnt his trade fully in the Whistler 02/03 class, this man has an enthusiastic eagerness for anything the mountain can throw at him. Famously competitive he launched himself off a 30foot cornice in Canada because his nemesis room mate did so first. Will be the first to tell you he wouldn't have done it if he'd looked over the edge beforehand.

If he was a biscuit: Jammy Dodger. Universally liked this one has fun all over the outside but inside bleeds red, Liverpool red.