The Schwartzels?

I don't want this blog to descend into an outlet for a good old ranting but recently I've been pushed too far by one certain annoying habit in today's media, such an infuriating intrusion upon my good nature that I was spurred into action.

This particular niggling little thorn in my side has seemingly crept into the sports media unnoticed by anyone but me and has now gathered so much pace that it is ubiquitous, constantly thrust into my face with the sole intention of provoking me into launching a frothy mouthed diatribe of bile and vitriol. One article by Richard Williams in the Guardian this week pushed me over the edge and not having a whole lot to do at work I took the dramatic step of writing a letter to him....

"Dear Sir,

Please can someone explain to me the seemingly recent penchant for sports pundits and writers to pluralise competitors' names? I quote as an example a sentence from your column today on Tiger Woods, "had he pulled clear of the Schwartzels and the Scotts, the Days and the Chois, you would not have bet against him closing out his fifth Masters title."

There was only one Schwartzel playing golf on Sunday, only one Scott, one Day and one Choi. Why is the image of an army of golfing clones, competing with the one Tiger Woods, put into my head unnecessarily? Is it too hard to say that Schwartzel, Scott, Day and Choi were chasing Tiger? Or Tiger was being chased by the likes of Schwartzel, Scott, Day and Choi? Who are the Schwartzels anyway? Germany's answer to The Simpsons?

This is a trend I would expect from half-witted ex-footballers on Channel 5's Uefa Cup coverage but from writers in The Guardian? Am I missing something? Did this suddenly become accepted English and accurate journalism? What's more annoying is that no one is ever described as being one of someone elses clone. You don't hear Andy Carroll described as being "you know ,he's a Les Ferdinand," by Lee Dixon on MOTD. Instead he'll have his own name pluralised and becomes one of a bunch of Andy Carrolls. So why are these masses of non-existent clones being written and talked about in the first place?

Please forward this on to the Sports Editors of this world to see if they can shed any light on this for me.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Warren
(I'm one of the Mike Warrens of the world you might have heard about if you follow County Cork's AUL league)

p.s. yes I'm having a quiet day and have a little too much time on my hands right now."

After a day's castigating himself Richard Williams sent the following reply the next morning, 

"OK. You're right. RW"  

Pathetically this little victory has perked me up no end and has given my campaign against this particular abomination of the English language new impetus, watch this space......

Household Heroes

There's a pair of new, moderately 'Super' Heroes on the scene. The picturesque village of Belgooly is mostly unaware of what talents are nestling in their midst but one certain house in one certain estate has certainly been reaping the rewards of the attention Domestic Mike and love interest Lawn Mowing Miss Macca have been bestowing upon it. This relatively unassuming semi-detached house has been transformed into a post-modern wonder-home since DM (Domestic Mike, not to be confused with Danger Mouse) and LMMM moved into the area.

Domestic Mike with sidekicks Emulsional Eimear & Mary Magnolia

Raised in the home counties of England, M (as he was known in those days) was brought up in a DIY disaster zone, floorboards were nailed to water pipes, dripping taps were solved by the turning off of the water supply, bayonet light bulbs forced into screw thread light fixtures (never publicly admitted but 20% sure this one happened). Unaware of M's potential, the Clouseau-like Patriarch put him to work in this ramshackle environment and set him the menial task of scraping wallpaper off the walls and worse still, the ceiling.

Frustrated at the time with this lack of household responsibility M was nevertheless the good worker and scraped those walls until his hands bled, or until Grange Hill started on telly, whichever came first. But after leaving home and wandering a few years in the DIY wilderness M finally landed in Ireland and after a few years took the final step that would see him later emerging into the Domestic Mike Superhero we now know him as. In partnership with love interest, Lawn Mowing Miss Macca, he purchased the aforementioned house in South Cork and the underlying household improvement potential in him finally surfaced and really started to wow people.

Hercules would have struggled with the tasks Ikea set but DM soldiers on admirably

The nightmares of wallpaper scraping were still bubbling under the surface but the joy of painting walls rose unexpectedly from the depths within his soul. Along with love interest LMMM and aided by long term sidekicks, Emulsional Eimear and Mary Magnolia, the lounge was freshened up with a lick of paint. So satisfied with the results the next target was the transforming of the previous occupants monkey room into the more sophisticated fuchsia room.

Monkey Room becomes.....

.....Fuschia Room!

  

The ball was really rolling now and the Master bedroom was the next area to be spruced up. Full of confidence DM & LMMM took on the task with gusto, painting walls, wardrobe doors and skirting boards like a zooming whirlwind of paint brushes, masking tape and rollers, all the while egged on by an authentically paint splattered radio.

DM & LMMM can turn cold blue.....

...... into warm and earthy green

It was at this point that DM was ready to take on the childhood demons of his past and launch himself back into wallpapering. Dipping his toes into this maelstrom of past emotions DM became reinvigorated and with the considerable help of LMMM the mission was a major success, the wallpaper was all hung straight, the patterns matched and any mistakes were covered up by the bed, never to be seen by anyone.

Again, cold blue but after a bit of magic......

......success! Wall papering demons pasted into oblivion.

Throughout this DIY odyssey the pair were busy developing their skills in other areas. Driven by the resulting hunger produced by painting and decorating, new recipes and meals have been mastered in the kitchen and any visitors to the house are likely to be treated to delicious stews, roast dinners and aided by the generous gift of a Kenwood Chef to the arsenal of kitchen appliances, crumbles, cakes and all sorts of baking goodies.

Where DM's delicous chocolate chip cookies would have been had they not been so amazing that DM & LMMM ate them all.

Fuelled by full stomachs our pair of heroes have ventured into the garden but the Wembley Stadium groundskeepers will not be trembling in their wellies just yet at the mixed results of their attempts to put stripes into the lawn. At some point the Flymo Mower will have to be upgraded into the kind of grass cutter Batman would be mowing his lawn with but for the moment they will make do.

It is this spirit of adventure that will surely see them  past any major obstacles (super fast growing grass, dripping taps and a thermostat in the shower that trips more than a crack cocaine addict) and continuing to make their domestic life an unadulterated triumph.