Brief Encounters

There comes a time in every man's life when the mounting evidence becomes too much to ignore, you can't keep deluding yourself and hoping the problem will magically disappear. Yes, unfortunately, those underpants need changing. The little holes start joining up to make larger holes and it comes to the point where they are no longer performing the functions they were designed for. Long ago they were fresh out of the box but over the years they have slowly worn away, started to resemble a cotton colander and now look more like a funny little cotton skirt as the seat of the pants has gradually eroded and finally given up the ghost. They may be your favourite pair but your partner is probably sick of seeing a faded Mickey Mouse on your butt cheeks anyway so something needs to be done.

This dilemma will no longer fix itself like when you were a kid and your mum would throw such offending garments out as they went through the washing cycle and replace them when she went shopping. You need to get up and sort this out, it's time for the changing of the guard, the fleet need replacing.

The next question is where to start. Well some people may be swayed by such celebrity endorsements as David Beckham's partnership with high street chain H&M, flagship chain store for the handiwork of Bangladesh's most talented six year old tailors. Don't be fooled though, Becks had no greater input into the design of these pants than putting his name on the box and even then it needed spell checking. And what kind of man wants his undies designed by an over-hyped, over dim, footballing husband of a spice girl who may be able to draw a tackle on the pitch but surely not on a piece of paper.

Every self-respecting Briton knows the only place to safely shop for his new range of kecks is good old Marks & Spencers. The dazzling array of produce on offer can be slightly overwhelming; trunks, boxers, y-fronts, cotton, polyester, acrylic, microskin sporty fibre thingummy stuff. There’s a lot of information to take in and as trying them on is not really cricket and asking the assistant is obviously completely taboo, the only clues to work off are the little photo on the pack.

Want to look like this guy?

Now comes the slightly awkward pause as you consider if you want to look like the little cut off picture of a torso in underpants. Deciding if you’d like your package to look like the model’s package is not a decision one likes to dwell on too long so the panic sets in, the vital final judgment can become rushed and the next few years of undercarriage comfort rest on it. Hmm maybe a recommendation from Britain’s favourite footballer could be useful after all. If he can sell fizzy cola drinks in them then surely you can go about your daily business in them too right?

Smart phones, dumb people?

At the risk of ranting away and sounding like a Daily Mail opinion piece or a cranky Granddad or possibly a cranky Granddad who likes nothing better than reading and, crucially, agreeing with the opinion pieces in the Daily Mail, Go Bananas is going to put it right out there and declare its disapproval of smart phones. Woah woah simmer down, quiet in the back there! Yes this blogger is getting increasingly frustrated with talking to the tops of heads of people bent over their phones, who aren't really listening at all and who then pop up and either say, "hmm?" or, "sorry what was that?"

Smart phone, dumb person?

After lengthy scientific studies conducted in the laboratories of The University of Belgooly, 31% of questions or enquiries directed at a smart phone user were left completely unanswered. 23% were replied to after a time delay of 15 seconds, 18% required the question to be asked again and sometimes for a third time.

For devices supposedly invented to bring people together and increase dialogue, they really are killing off the art of conversation and the spontaneity of meeting new people. Who hasn't been in the pub or cafe with a group of friends only to have their conversations regularly punctuated with referral to smart phones, the latest app or facebook updates? Any natural break in a chat will immediately be seized upon as a chance to slyly check emails and texts. Next time you arrange to meet a friend in the pub, make sure to arrive a bit late and you can be guaranteed they will be face down engrossed with their phone when you arrive, if they are on time that is.

In the cinema as soon as the end credits start rolling the theatre will be bathed in the glow of phones and increasingly, smart phones, powering up or, more frequently, switched off silent mode as one could never manage 2 hours without it completely turned off. Not a second is to be lost in catching up with the world and seeing which South American winger Liverpool have been linked with by some bloke in a studio who has 24 hours to fill with sports news but who also ran out of creditable items 3 hours beforehand.

You may even be reading this in a public place on your smart phone and if so have a look up, someone may be trying to talk to you. Go Bananas urges you to put your smart phones away, catch the eye of the barman/waitress/person next to you and start a conversation. You never know who you might meet. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution rests its case.

Two Certainties in Life?

They say there are only two certainties in life; death and taxes. Well the latter is certainly an issue rising to the fore of public debate here in Ireland right now. The financial troubles the country faces are well documented and the latest in a string of deductions, levies, charges and taxes imposed on the population’s personal wealth or lack of it has caused national outcry, debate and now civil disobedience.

Central government has required all homeowners to register online and pay a €100 Household Charge with a view to introducing a Property Tax further down the line based on more traditionally value based criteria. All funds raised are claimed to be channelled to local authorities to help pay for local services, frequently quoted as being things such as road repairs and libraries. Currently road repairs consist of a man wearing a high visibility vest brandishing a bucket of tar, a spade and a sizeable enough midriff to flatten the heap of sticky gravel he piles into the pot hole and then jumps up and down on. This then leaves a nice mound in the road instead of a hole and is perhaps moderately less threatening to your poor car. Asking people to pay extra for this kind of expertise previously funded from the central tax fund would surely have them leaping to their computers to sign up?

Well it seems not. It turns out people are reluctant to voluntarily sign up for the household charge and pay online without any invoice being issued or big nasty men knocking on the door and demanding payment. Surely they saw this dissent coming? This is after all a country in which a good proportion of the population play an annual game of chicken by not paying their road tax for as many months as they can after the renewal date. The fact that the tax disc is backdated is not the point, it’s the sport of it that people like, the excuses they make at check points, the adrenalin of evading the lawman like a modern day Smokey & The Bandit where the Smokey docilely checks your road tax armed with a raised eyebrow instead of hurtling after you in a high speed chase and jumping over rivers where the bridge is down like in the film. The real stars of this game actually take on the authorities further by bluffing their way into convincing a disinterested and jaded copper in the station that their car has been off the road for the previous four months and can they have a disc from the current date please?

A war over our hearts and minds has been raging in the media over the rates of registration as the deadline for payment approached and eventually passed on the 31st of March. Government claims that people are registering in vast numbers and that they will be chasing and fining non-compliant homeowners have been met with counter claims by the numerous protest groups springing up. Describing government figures of high sign up rates as scare tactics they are trying to keep the public convinced of their safety in numbers.

“If there’s going to be at least 800,000 households who refuse to pay – and we think that will be the very least – it makes the tax null and void,” claims Cork Against the Household Tax treasurer Alan Gibson.

The fact that the fines for non-payment are relatively low, €10 for the first six months, €20 for the next six months and €30 if payment is over 12 months late, mean that people can afford to operate a wait and see policy as to whether the resistance holds.

Two certainties in life? Well we shall see.

Austria Oh 12 Teaser Director's Cut

With news of a huge storm hitting the Pinzgau region of Salzburgerland, the Austria Oh Production team have been hitting the editing suites hard this week in anticipation of next month's trip. Here is the latest effort to whet the appetites of all those concerned.

Ski leaks....

The rise of the internet has greatly increased the flow of information across the continents but some secrets have remained.... until now.

Here it is, the footage everyone has been waiting for, the leaked film of the Irish Olympic ski team taken from their secret base high in the Austrian Alps. Go Bananas has compiled a brief dossier on each athlete but in a regime with an attitude to secrecy that would impress any North Korean dictator, details are hard to come by.

Austria Oh 12 Teaser

Following the sad loss of key team mate, Chamonix, to the New Zealand Alps, the Austria Oh Team have kept themselves busy over the Christmas period. After hosting an intensive interview and boot camp process in the Embach HQ (results in following blog post), MickeyDogg snuck away from the future Irish Winter Ski Team to gather some intelligence on the state of the slopes before the upcoming Austria Oh 12 chapter.

We can confirm that as of the 30th of December Dienten is in great shape. An exhausting 9am to 4pm tour of the mountain was thoroughly enjoyed and the only hardship was digging out the Oh-Mobile after it was buried in the snow dumping down all day.

Hope to see you all soon!

HELP!

The world famous 'Austria Oh' series of holidays has a large and scattered following and set of contributors, none more so eccentric than the McNally clan, the most talented musical family to hit the Austrian slopes since the Von Trapps. In a highly anticipated visit to Embach in the Pinzgau region of Salzburgerland, this Fab Family put on an interpretive display of The Beatles classic album cover Help, much to the delight of local onlookers.

Rumoured to be so sustainable she leaves no indentations in the snow behind her, let alone carbon footprints, Eimear McNally told this blog that the recreation of the Help album cover was literally and figuratively a cry for help in controlling greenhouse gasses and the well known link to the shrinking of alpine glaciers.

"If we don't stop this process right now there will be no 'ticket to ride' up the lifts for the skiers of tomorrow," she said in a desperate plea to snow enthusiasts the world over.

"If the glaciers keep melting at this rate for another few years we'll all be living in 'yellow submarines' if we're not careful," chipped in Kevin McNally whilst stroking his beard and looking wise.

Fellow interpretive ski prancer, Aoife, was not convinced at the impact the location of the display was having and encouraged them to disrupt village life saying, "Why don't we do it in the Road?" but the others disagreed and argued that if this smaller scale debut demonstration was a success they would like to carry it on 'Across the Universe.'

The whole event was greatly received and widely considered to be a huge success, certainly a show that those present will never forget.