Brief Encounters

There comes a time in every man's life when the mounting evidence becomes too much to ignore, you can't keep deluding yourself and hoping the problem will magically disappear. Yes, unfortunately, those underpants need changing. The little holes start joining up to make larger holes and it comes to the point where they are no longer performing the functions they were designed for. Long ago they were fresh out of the box but over the years they have slowly worn away, started to resemble a cotton colander and now look more like a funny little cotton skirt as the seat of the pants has gradually eroded and finally given up the ghost. They may be your favourite pair but your partner is probably sick of seeing a faded Mickey Mouse on your butt cheeks anyway so something needs to be done.

This dilemma will no longer fix itself like when you were a kid and your mum would throw such offending garments out as they went through the washing cycle and replace them when she went shopping. You need to get up and sort this out, it's time for the changing of the guard, the fleet need replacing.

The next question is where to start. Well some people may be swayed by such celebrity endorsements as David Beckham's partnership with high street chain H&M, flagship chain store for the handiwork of Bangladesh's most talented six year old tailors. Don't be fooled though, Becks had no greater input into the design of these pants than putting his name on the box and even then it needed spell checking. And what kind of man wants his undies designed by an over-hyped, over dim, footballing husband of a spice girl who may be able to draw a tackle on the pitch but surely not on a piece of paper.

Every self-respecting Briton knows the only place to safely shop for his new range of kecks is good old Marks & Spencers. The dazzling array of produce on offer can be slightly overwhelming; trunks, boxers, y-fronts, cotton, polyester, acrylic, microskin sporty fibre thingummy stuff. There’s a lot of information to take in and as trying them on is not really cricket and asking the assistant is obviously completely taboo, the only clues to work off are the little photo on the pack.

Want to look like this guy?

Now comes the slightly awkward pause as you consider if you want to look like the little cut off picture of a torso in underpants. Deciding if you’d like your package to look like the model’s package is not a decision one likes to dwell on too long so the panic sets in, the vital final judgment can become rushed and the next few years of undercarriage comfort rest on it. Hmm maybe a recommendation from Britain’s favourite footballer could be useful after all. If he can sell fizzy cola drinks in them then surely you can go about your daily business in them too right?