Vote none of the above.

Once again the nation of Ireland is headed to the polls to vote on the instalment of a new head of state. Outgoing President, Mary McAleese, seems to be widely liked although trying to nail people down on specifics as to why she is universally popular leads to wishy washy prevaricating and comments touching on her contribution to community and charity and ‘things like that.’ If the ample array of photo shoots in the media is to be believed this seems to be achieved generally through the medium of visiting schools and shaking lots of hands. This leads us to the seldom discussed issue as to the point of the position.

Well the official website of the President (president.ie) is a visual sleeping pill, but after a splash of icy water and propping up the eyelids with matchsticks Go Bananas extracted one useful quote from the oath taken before entering office to, 

“dedicate my abilities to the service and welfare of the people of Ireland." 

This is obviously a load of vague and blurry, non-specific nonsense, a theme that continues through the campaigns from each candidate standing for election. From the debates on the telly to the forest of roadside posters boasting nauseatingly bland phrases, the whole affair is riddled with pseudo political buzz words and statements promising, ‘a better Ireland,’ ‘the people’s  President,’ ‘Pride at home, respect abroad,’ etc etc... ad nauseum.

How any of these candidates will achieve these lofty ideals from the generally ceremonial office of President is never quite explained but there are a few specific issues that Go Bananas really wants cleared up...

1) Will each candidate provide their own novelty sized scissors to open Supermarkets or do they expect the general public to fork out for one?

2) Is their time spent posing for photographers in schools more valuable to the kids than the 40 hours a week the teacher spends doling out structured lessons?

3) Do any of the foreign rugby players they shake hands with at International Test Matches have any idea who they are?

Presumably these demands will remain unanswered and the race will carry on plodding away at a pedestrian pace. So far the only noteworthy factoid is that it’s the first presidential race to feature two gays fighting over the most prominent position in the Aras (!), openly homosexual Senator David Norris and Gay Mitchell..... who is just called Gay. What this race needs is a Brewster’s Millions type intervention from an eccentric nobody to jazz it all up, someone to capture the public’s imagination. Well in the hope that a rich uncle dies and bequeaths $30m to a loved nephew in the next week (a la 80s film classic Brewsters Millions starring Richard Pryor), Go Bananas has its manifesto ready.......

1) Enforce the 5 a day veg/fruit rule... rigidly. I'd have teams of Fruit Enforcers to fire bazooka loads of bananas into peoples' faces if they fell behind schedule.

2) Shake hands with everyone in the stadium at rugby matches, not just the teams. After all the public have to pay to get in so should also get to meet the President.

3) Change all the roads into cycle lanes and all cycle lanes into roads, just so people realise how few cycle lanes actually exist and how utterly unusable those few are.

4) Ensure that car manufacturers change their car horns to make novelty sound effects such as a duck’s quack or a clown’s hooter so that when some nutcase starts swearing, gesticulating and beeping  at you for committing some minor error, all you can hear is the amusing sound of a swanny whistle. Your subsequent laughter will only enrage him further leading to more tooting, the opposite of a vicious circle.

Vote Go Bananas!

Standing for a better type of change in a progressive Ireland for the 21st Century in a European Society.